


With the heart of a saint, but the life of a sinner.

by amaguiis



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Internal Conflict, Internal Monologue, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, himeru is tired, post reimei rev
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:02:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25177360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amaguiis/pseuds/amaguiis
Summary: Kaname Tojo thinks about his relationships and the past on a dirty hospital floor.
Relationships: HiMERU/Kazehaya Tatsumi
Comments: 11
Kudos: 19





	With the heart of a saint, but the life of a sinner.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [identityv](https://archiveofourown.org/users/identityv/gifts), [dimasilaw](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dimasilaw/gifts).



> my friend sent me "whatif himeru started hating tatsumi bc he was falling for him  
> but he knew ogmeru was also in love with him  
> and he's never fought with his brother before" and then i said tatsuhime fic writing go brrrrrrrrrrr

It swirled around him like a raging storm- his anger, the pulsating inferno, it would build and rise then hover at the edge of his flesh like a wave intending on crashing. He swallows, and pushes it back down, willing it to go back into hiding and to never show its ugly and foul self. He finds himself fighting back the harsh words, clenching his fists, and squeezing his eyes shut.

**_“Don’t lash out. Don’t Lash Out.”_ **

He repeats those words and drills them into his consciousness, willing himself to keep the vileness hidden. His body shakes. The heat radiates off of him like the hot sun on a blazing day. He tries so hard not to let it show but sometimes it gets so strong, to the point of being _ uncontrollable. _ The words come out of his mouth before he can stop them, his face, twisting with rage and darkness and suddenly he’s a monster and who he was before has left his body. It was an out of body experience to hear himself screaming from the inside, a pleading voice yearning for him to stop- But the anger was consuming and all hope had left. It’s lashing out and harming those who interact with him, turning him into an atrocious being with no mercy. It’s red and sudden, wretched, ferocious, unpredictable. It’s grim and horrendous. The anger bursts out and shows up over everything and nothing. It's snapping and feeling rotten, it's a burning sensation that won't leave, it’s blazing eyes- piercing into everyone he comes into contact with, and feeling crazed and pathetic as he feels the confused and judgmental gazes. It's the feeling like his sanity being crushed every time that it comes to the open- to the point of being inappropriate and wild like a stallion. 

It’s a terrible disease that’s burrowed into his body and refuses to leave. It shreds his dignity and rips away friendships and relationships. His reputation fades away as the people around him witness the ugly and vicious side of the one known as Tojo Kaname. Fury and rage continued to build inside of him until it broke and shattered his soul- until there was only the bitter taste of hatred toward himself left- but he lets it out on everyone else because god forbid he lets himself take the blame and beatings. It's something that happened almost every day until it became part of him. He tried so hard to keep the emotions of rage inside of him, telling himself to keep it internal instead of external. He beats himself and tells the anger to put itself to the bottom, where it can’t be seen by the outside. It destroys him on the inside and he rots in its presence. Those moments though, when anger barges through his flesh and becomes external- he feels powerless against it. He no longer has control and feels himself spinning wildly. When it’s over, and everything said and done, he realizes the damage he’s done. The anger seeps back into him and he’s suddenly the victim of his destruction. It laughs in the background and he must deal with the things he did or said- and he’s stuck listening to the same old lecture by his brother about how he needs to control his temper. The anger, most of the time, was quiet and invisible to people around him and he is the victim of its wrath. But, there were times where it can be so loud and deafening. It’s a vicious cycle. And it’s one that ruins Kaname.

And then he found himself sitting on the floor at the edge of his brother’s bed. Tears stream down his face silently as his brother peacefully sleeps. How he wishes he could call upon the same fate for himself. But alas, he closes his eyes with a chuckle. It’s funny- all this pain- all this anger- all this brokenness was all caused by one being. One saint. Or well, that’s what everyone had seen the man as. Kaname disagreed, he saw that man as a revolutionary. He began the fire that tore apart everything that he had loved so dearly. Hell, that man was the reason he was sitting at the foot of a hospital bed now. 

That man. 

Tatsumi Kazehaya. The “Revolutionist”.

But the fact of the matter was that he was young and in love

And very angry. And headstrong. And he fought with him a lot. And it was passionate. And while Tatsumi forgave him endlessly- Kaname never could. And it felt holy. He never wanted Tatsumi when he spoke to him with a grateful and indebted mouth. But there’s a life in his eyes that Kaname was living for. And Kaname makes him so unraveled, that he would leave him- and sometimes Kaname hopes he does. He lives for him with pain in his bones. Kind of like bad milk. He aches for Tatsumi Kazahaya, romanticizing his realism, but there was nothing romantic about the way Tatsumi would give up everything (including Kaname) for his ideals. But they ate lunch alone in secluded classrooms, and they talked a lot, and Tatsumi asked Kaname to take off his school vest, and He would say sorry until Kaname cried and he will love Tatsumi until he decides to make him mad again.

He’s been told by his brother metaphorically; “Hate the sin, love the sinner.” Kaname might have taken the phrase a little too seriously. The sin. Which sin specifically? Which sin did he despise the most? 

Was it that Tatsumi Kazehaya broke his brother beyond repair?

or

Was it that Tatsumi Kazehaya seemed to care more for his brother.

He supposed it made sense. His brother was the one by his side in the revolution that took place at Reimei Academy. Kaname was not. If anything, Kaname was on the opposing side of the ideals that Tatsumi and his brother shared. Its what drew them apart. As twins, they say you have a bond that was tight-knit but seeing Tatsumi steal his brother away and then break him in front of his very eyes was a sight that shattered his soul. He remembered the scream that he had let out when he saw his brother fall. How unbothered Tatsumi Kazehaya looked before he fell as well.

But then again,  _ Hate the sin,  _ **_love_ ** _ the sinner. _

How easy would it be for Kaname to not let another soul in so that they don’t have to be drained by who he was? Who Kaname Tojo is and was? He was constantly aware that he was a lot more than he seemed to be. But, if his brother asked one thing- Kaname would say; “don’t worry,” and then think to himself; ‘ you’ll never see it. let me hide. grant me the freedom of anonymity you’ll all see how bad it can be.’ And why should Kaname keep trying? Keep going, even? When he was so damn tired. Let him lie here, in his city of ash as he wallows in everything wrong. Let his demons tell him how much he does not need to be here.

But alas- what is Kaname supposed to do when Tatsumi Kazehaya, the sinner, the revolutionary, the saint says these things that are so soft and so sweet like he actually cares for Kaname.

But then again,  _ Hate the sin,  _ **_love_ ** _ the sinner. _

And dear god, he loved the sinner.

but maybe the sin wasn’t as foul-tasting as he thought.

  
  
  



End file.
